Did I grow up with a toxic idea of love?

It was a normal boring day at my grandma house, I was twelve years old and I was just flipping through the channels when I stumbled across a TV show that I had never watched before. Suddenly I freezed. I wasn’t able to skip it; I felt this strong, weird magnetic attraction towards the scene and these two characters that I didn’t even know the names. But the way they were looking at each other made me think about only one thing: love. After a bit of research I realized that I had just watched THE scene from Gossip Girl, the one that even the haters of the show knew about, the one where Blair Waldorf asked Chuck Bass to say those three words and eight letters.
That same year Twilight came out and as soon as I finished the movie, I found myself in the closest book shop looking for all the book of the saga. Bella Swan magically became my inspiration and Jacob Black was the best friend that I was looking for.

 

That’s how I spent my summer: reading, watching and fantasizing about all these crazy and tragic love stories. Dreaming about how amazing it would be experience all those intense feelings. For me, Chuck and Blair were the perfect example of what true love looked like. I was so invested in them that I wasn’t even living my adolescence. What was the point of having a fake romance with a silly thirteen years boy who did not know a thing about passion? It was better waiting until my Chuck Bass was knocking at my door.

That loud knock came ten years later, when I was scrolling on my twitter timeline and saw an article in which a woman accused Ed Westwick of sexual assault. Suddenly half of my social media started saying that it wasn't a surprised, since the show that made me famous had glamorized rape and unhealthy couples. That seriously hit me and I stopped a second and I starting thinking about what kind of definition of love I’ve grown up with. Was Chuck and Blair relationship really that romantic? Could Chuck Bass be considered your ideal man? And the questions didn’t stop only on Gossip Girl, but with any other TV Shows, movies or books I was obsessed with during my teenage years.

 

What is that little line between adoration and obsession? When do arguments become toxic? How does loving someone else making you stop loving yourself?

Now, at twenty years old, in my first real relationship, I can say that this new experience is not like I used to dream about. It’s better. It’s about finding the right balance between self-love and altruism. It’s about remembering that even when you are with someone, you still need to put yourself at the first place sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s about knowing that fortunately the perfect person and the right relationship do not exist and that’s exactly why everything feels so reassuring.

Hope After Chaos- Women's March.

Before the 21st of January when I read the word “march” the first thing that came up to my mind was: Chaos. My idea of a rally was angry people making noise in the street; fighting for something just for the sake’s of creating chaos and disturbing the peaceful people walking fast trying to avoid them. See, I usually am one of those people: the ones who escape from their problems acting like they don’t care and even if they do, they think they could not do anything to change the situation anyways.

  

After the 21st of January when I read the word march the first thing that comes up my mind is: Hope. What did it change?  It changed that last Sunday I’ve got that crazy idea of leaving my new green warm duvet, walking out from my house during one of those few days where the snow decided to say “hi, did you miss me?” to the Londoners, and standing with other seven thousand people in Richmond Terrance.

  

I guess if someone had to describe my face with one word, it would have been: confusion. What am I supposed to do now? my eyes were asking in total terror. Should I start speaking to that blonde woman next to me?  my lips were shaking. Why didn’t I bring a nice feminist sign? my hands were looking for comfort from the pockets of my black jacket. 

Then Shola Mos Shogbamimu came up on that small stage and she made my tragic stream of consciousness disappear as fast as a sunny day in London. She was everything that I always inspired to be: her spontaneous laugh and her warm voice were easily capturing everyone's attention.

Speeches after speeches, I felt this new and exciting sensation in my body: it was hope. Hope that the world could actually be a better place if we stand together, side by side, fighting for our beliefs. Hope that we could finally achieve equality between any gender, sexuality, religion and nationality. Hope that we could end all the suffer and injustices of the world.

And what comes after hope is one of the most powerful world of our dictionary: courage. As Salena Godden stated in her poem: 

Courage is a muscle we gotta keep tight because

Courage is the muscle we use when we fight

Courage is a muscle we flex when we must

Courage is the muscle, for truth and for trust *

Courage was in my veins after hearing her words; it was red as blood but stronger. Stronger as my hope for the future.

Here 5 small things we could all do to keep the movement alive:

1. Share: At the end of the rally Shola made us swear (yes, she made us put the hand on the heart) of sharing, retweetting and posting on every social media the letter they wrote to Theresa May regarding her meeting with Donald Trump. Where we would like to invite our prime minister to stand with us and say TIME’S UP.

          2. Donate: On Sunday they were some lovely women who were collecting pads to donate them to the women who are not able to have a “bloody good period”. If you have missed this chance but you are interested in their amazing work, follow them on social media (@bloodygoodperiod ) and see how you could make your donation.  

3. Speak: How many times as women we feel like people were looking down at us? How many time people misjudge us for how we looked or dressed? How many times people thought we couldn’t do something just for our gender? Everytime you find yourself in a discriming situation remember the time’s up on staying quiet. Take a long big breath and SPEAK UP.

    4 . Stay Informed: Read, read and then read! Stay informed on politics and news of your country but also of any other part of the world. 
5. Participate: 2018 has just began and there will be plenty of occasions to make this year going down in history. You might have missed the Women’s March last Sunday but you can be standing next to me in the next one. 

The Bold Type.

When in Netflix announced the ending of the brilliant science fiction series “Sense 8”, not only my eyes started to get wet for the loss of those amazing characters; my heart cried too. An enormous sadness filled my body after realizing that one of the most representative gems on the little screen was going to stop sharing its incredible stories of a trans woman hacktivist, a Mexican closed actor and a black lesbian.

It’s not a myth that a good representation could actually make the world goes better. How many women had the courage to face their feelings for the same sex after the premiere of the “L Word”? How many teens felt that everyone has a place in the world thanks to the plural-awarded musical TV show written by Ryan Murphy?
Loosing “Sense 8” hurts like a punch in the stomach. However it seems like a new amazing couple has arrived to save us from our sadness and finally gave the power and recognition to new voices.

“The Bold Type” is the name of the show that has all the possibilities to stay in the heart of the LGBT community and not only. It premiered only three weeks ago and, except for its fresh positive feminist atmosphere; it has already conquered a million of viewers for a potential innovative young lesbian couple.
Kat, played by the twenty-three years old Aisha Dee, is working as social media director the of the fashion magazine “Scarlet”. Her perfect curly brown hair gives away her bubby and brave personality after the first five minutes of the show, when she starts fighting for the publication of an article about Adena El-Amin (Nikohl Boosheri), an East Asian lesbian photographer. Their worlds couldn’t seem more opposite and far from each other. Kat believes she’s “totally hetero” meanwhile Adena states her twitter bio is ““proud Muslim lesbian”, but as we know you will always end up having an exciting and deep connection with the person you least expected to.
Their last scene of the pilot starts with them playing with vibrators on the floor and ends with Kat asking the photographer why she was wearing the hijab. A conversation that surely we are not used to watch on our screen but would make so many women out there feeling visible.

Maybe it’s too soon to say but I bet watching these two exploring their feelings for each other is definitely a good excuse to spend some time Bing-watching this new summer series, so what are you waiting for?

Primrose Hill.

Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. 

When the esistelist philosopher Albert Camus wrote this thought in his Notebook, he gave out one of the most accurate tip for living a good life, having a good day or simply doing something if you are bored. Walking is one of the most basic skills we have, we learn how to do that in our first year of life and if we are lucky enough we will carry doing that until the end. However sometimes we define walking as the simple act to do when we need to do, go, take something. Well, what if we don’t need anything? Does it mean that also your mind and body doesn’t need to?

I’m not going to write a post about how walking can make you slimmer or lose calories because that’s not my point. The point is that walking around with no place to go and for essentially no reason is one of my favorite things to do since I have moved to London.

It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter.

I spent the morning walking alone in Regent’s Park. It wasn’t an extraordinary day, the sun was playing hide and seek with the clouds and it was definitely loosing. It was just a normal grey day of March in London close to the start of Spring but no enough, it could have just been an anonymous one but I’ve decided to give to it a meaning, to make it stand out from the days before.

Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but 'steal' some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude.

Step after step in the green, with music in the ear and the wind throwing my hair all over my face, I’ve climbed on the seventy-eight meters hill famously known as Primrose Hill and when I finally arrived at the top I’ve realized three things: going out is always better than laying on your bed for hours and scrolling through your Facebook feed, London is so damn beautiful and shit I need to start going to the gym because I basically didn’t have breath anymore.

Sheeeeran.

Exactly one month ago I was almost at the edge of a complete breakdown because I wasn’t able to buy Ed Sheeran’s tickets for his new tour.  The only way I make up through all this pain was thinking that I still hadn’t listened to the upcoming album; maybe I wouldn’t have liked it (LIES) so there was no reason to waste my money (MORE LIES).

Today, a month after, here I am crying while listening this blue sixteen songs masterpiece.

Ed has spent one year of silence, away from the scene and the social media, he travelled around the world with his girlfriend and I personally think that all of this was damn worthy. “Divide” has the ability of taking you from  the relaxing green Irish hills (“Nancy Mulligan”) to the lively street of a Spanish city (“Barcelona”); it makes you miss the good old days of your teenage years when everything seems easier (“Castle on The Hills”) and at the same time makes you want to get off the bed and go into a random pub to find the love of your life (“Shape of You”); it makes you cry over the love story that you’ve never had (“Happier”) and makes you feel loved even if you don’t have anyone near you at the moment (“Perfect”, “Supermarket Flowers”).

Divide does exactly what its name says: it divides you from different feelings, different places and people. It’s a magical and exiting ride on a slow roller coaster, which you wish it never ends. And when it does, the adrenaline puts you back on your seat, ready for the next round.
And that’s why I think it’s Sheeran’s best album so far. Maybe it’s just a rush opinion for my excitement for his new music or maybe not.

So, yeah if someone is selling a ticket for any of his dates at the O2 Arena I’ll gladly pay them back with a lot of smiles and gratitude.